meeting god

I died in a car accident last May and have been trudging along ever since.

My current existence is due to the collective will of my loved ones.  I exist simply because they will it. But I still haven’t figured out how external stimuli is able to respond to me.  I make noise and a live one makes a noise back.  Hello.  Hi.  Amazing, I think.  Must be some kind of sophisticated technology developed by a team of highly intelligent and well-financed live ones.

I work long hours during the week, so I only visit friends and family late at night.  If you were my friend, I’d probably stop by on Sunday, while you wait for sleep.  That time is not yours, its ours.  Our time to reminisce about the old days and catch up on the new stuff.

I’m sorry that I always visit so late, but it’s the only way I can make the long journey through time to see you.  In the blurry boundary between yesterday and tomorrow, I can slip into your now.  And while I talk about it real nonchalantly, I must admit, it isn’t always easy.

I think it’s hardest when I visit my mom.  She never wanted to see me go.  She wanted time to take her first.  It breaks my heart to know I left her with that burden.  So I just hold her and tell her that she meant so much to me, and that I know I meant so much to her because I’m here now.  I tell her not to worry, I’ve met God.

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He’s real calm, mom, and peaceful.  First thing he said to me was, I’m sorry for all the times you ever had to feel pain down there.  I told him, hey, no worries.  You gave me waves, sunrises, and a bunch of people to love.  It’s not every day that you find a place like that, so thank you God.  He smiled that smile that makes you warm, and said you are welcome.  Now that you’re here, he told me, you are everywhere.  Your energy has been released back into the universe.

You know God, I interrupted, I had been wondering about that all my life.  In fact, a lot of the live ones down there wonder about where they come from and where they’re going.

He told me he wouldn’t have expected it to be any different.  You see, he explained, I separated your energy from the universe so you could experience.

Experience what?, I asked.

Experience, he responded.

God, I’m not deaf, I’m asking, you separated us from the universe so we could experience. . . what?

That’s just it, he responded, with that sunshine smile and a little chuckle that sounded like flowing water.  I wanted you to experience experience.  Tastes and smells and sights.

Ahh, I said, starting to see the bigger picture.  Like slowly sipping coffee while the neighborhood birds chirp good morning.

Exactly, he responded.  And connections, he continued.  I wanted you to experience connections of love, friendship, and of course, maker and progeny.

Wow, God, that’s pretty damn cool.  I had been somewhat cynical at times, thinking feelings were invented and exploited by Hallmark, but now that you mention it, sitting out on the patio and just shooting the shit with people I liked felt awesome.

It makes me so happy to hear you say that, he said.  At times I worried about you guys.  I cannot communicate with live ones directly.  You see, I am a universal force, like gravity, and I speak no language.  It is only when your energy is returned to its most pure form — when the matter of your body releases it — that we can communicate as we do now.

But why?, I asked.

Simple, he said.  Because you are once again me.  And just like that it hit me. But I had a few more questions.

I gotta say thank God, because God is real patient and He answered them all.  He told me the rest of the live ones I loved were already here and if not, were on their way.  He told me there were other worlds with live ones I’d never seen before and if I wanted, I could visit them for a while.  Of course, if you wanna go back down to the old place you can.  Sweet, I told him, but next time, I wanna try it out as a bear.  Just eat berries and salmon and take long bear naps. Nice, he said, and we high-fived.

He also told me that he has been battling with the force of destruction since before time, and that this all exists because he won.  And for the physicists out there, God said their will be a another split second when nothing exists, like before the Big Bang, but then it will Big Bang all over again.  It’s all part of the battle strategy.  As energy, he said, you will also be a part of this creation battle, and in time, which you won’t feel because you are energy, we will create new places that once again host entities in which we impart our energy.  Trust me, he said, we’ve been doing this for some time, and we laughed like old friends.

You know God, my favorite place on Earth was being out on the ocean.  I felt away from everything and at the same time, a part of it all.  You know, part of something fluid and whole.

Well then, he beamed, I say we go for a swim.

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